I Know You Can Hear Me
by quidditchplayersturnmeon
Summary: Finn tells the story of how Quinn's accident changed him forever and sent him on a downward spiral. Finn/Quinn, Minor Finn/Rachel. Rated M for lots of reasons in future chapters. I suck at summaries, but if you like Fuinn hopefully you might like this.
1. Comatose

**A/N: So yeah, like it says in the description, this is Finn's reaction to Quinn's accident. It's canon up to on my way, but you can consider it AU from then.**

* * *

Chapter One - Comatose

I remember exactly how I got here, exactly how it started. I suppose I should really, it's kinda hard to forget. It was on what was supposed to be my wedding day after we won our regionals. Rachel was holding everything up 'cause she wanted Quinn to be there, I was getting sorta pissed off really. I mean what did it matter if Quinn was there or not, I mean I know Quinn was supposed to be over me but how many people want to watch their ex-boyfriend get married? I figured she probably wasn't even planning to turn up anyway.

That's when I started to get that sick feeling, I didn't realise something was wrong though, it was nerves. I shouldn't have started thinking about when I was dating Quinn really, especially since we never had closure, because as soon as I did I started to wonder if what I was doing was right. I was totally freaking out! Anyway I decided to wait outside, clear my head a bit, y'know? I was such an idiot, what sort of asshole thinks they should get married in high school?

So I was out there in the cold, thinking about Quinn and how in a few minutes I would be tied down to Rachel for the rest of my life. I guess my nerves showed because there was a guy outside smoking and he was eying my funny.

"Want one?" he asked me, holding up his cigarettes. "You look like you need one."

"No, I don't smoke." I was telling the truth, I didn't. He didn't believe me, or maybe he just thought I should take it up because he gave me one anyway.

"Just in case." He told me, I didn't really want it but I put it in my pocket anyway. It didn't take long for him to finish smoking; I guess he must have been nervous about something too. I was only by myself for a minute though because Kurt, my stepbrother, came outside and asked if he could talk to me.

"There's something I need to tell you," he said, I wasn't looking at him; I didn't want him to try and talk me out of the wedding.

"Can it wait until after the wedding?" I asked him, when he stepped in front of me so I could see him. He looked like he was about to cry though so I knew something bad had happened. "Does Rachel want to call it off?"

"Not exactly," he told me, and that's when my nerves got even worse. "But I don't think either of you will want to get married right now,"

"What's wrong Kurt?"

"Quinn was in an accident." I swear I felt like my blood turned to ice, I'm still not sure if I couldn't believe it or if I just didn't want to. "We just got a call, she… she was on her way here. She was in a car crash, Finn, she's in hospital."

"Oh…" I must have sounded like a total douchebag, but I didn't know what else to say. A small part of me was convinced Kurt was lying to make some point about how I shouldn't get married since I'm not over Quinn but that's not the sort of person Kurt is. I can still remember that exact moment, the one where I stopped being the old Finn Hudson and started being the new Finn Hudson.

* * *

I can't really remember how we got to the hospital, I can just remember sitting there waiting for some sort of news. Eventually a doctor came and told us she was stable but in a coma and we went to see her in groups of 3. Nobody was there long, what can you say to someone in a coma? Eventually me, Kurt and Rachel went in to see her. I'll never, ever forget the first time I saw her in that bed. She looked so peaceful; she was bandaged and bruised and had tubes and wires sticking out of her, but the thing is even with all of that she was still beautiful. It's hard to describe how I felt when I looked at her, all my nerves, all the things I had been thinking, all the heat in my body, it's like they disappeared. I felt hollow, like if someone came along and cut open my chest with a buzz saw it would just be this empty space with a photo of Quinn inside or something, I'm not too great with words but that's the best way I can think to describe it.

Rachel and Kurt had been talking and they both had tears running down their cheeks so I put my hand up to my face, bone dry. I don't know why I wasn't crying, I should have been. I should have been crying my eyes out, barely able to breathe, but all I could do was sit and stare at Quinn. I know it's stupid but it made me angry, why should Kurt and Rachel be crying if I'm not? Kurt and Quinn were friends, but they were never close and Rachel and Quinn had never really been friends, but she was the first person I ever loved. It was about 5 minutes before I decided that was all I could take.

"I can't stay any longer," I said, more to myself than anyone in particular. "Goodbye, Quinn, I'll be back soon." I kissed her on the forehead and left. I took the long way outside to avoid bumping into anyone I knew and ended up just pacing back and forth in front of the entrance. It was like something snapped in me, I was so damn angry. Less than a hundred feet from me, someone I really cared about, someone I loved and to this day still do, was lying in a hospital bed half dead and I didn't even have a single tear in my eyes. I hated myself so much that I did something I don't usually do, I ran away.

* * *

My legs were aching by the time I got back to my house, there was a sharp pain in my side and I had a headache. It turned out that running home was pointless; all I did when I got there was pace back and forth in the hall just like I was doing back at the hospital but after about the fiftieth time I turned around I caught sight of the drinks cabinet. I'm not sure what made me do it but I literally ran towards it, I just took out the first thing I got my hands on and took a swig. In the time it took me to get up to my room I had drank half the bottle, it tasted good and every sip sent a burning down my throat. I could tell it was strong because my legs were wobbling and my vision was blurring already.

I put some music on and as soon as the violins started playing I recognised the song, I hadn't heard it in years but somehow I wasn't surprised today would be the day I hear it again, when the guitars kicked in I remembered the song was called comatose.

_I hate feeling like this_

_I'm so tired of trying to fight this_

_I'm asleep and all I dream of_

_Is waking to you_

_Tell me that you will listen_

_Your touch is what I'm missing_

_And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you_

I didn't turn the music off; each word hurts but I couldn't turn it off. It might have been the shock of what happened or more likely it was the alcohol but I just started throwing punches, at the air at first but eventually my fists found solid objects.

_Comatose_

_I'll never wake up without an overdose of you_

I started grabbing things and throwing them across the room. I didn't even know what they were I just threw anything I could pick up.

_I don't wanna live_

_I don't wanna breathe_

_Unless I feel you next to me_

_You take the pain I feel_

_Waking up to you never felt so real_

_I don't wanna sleep_

_I don't wanna dream_

_'Cause my dreams don't comfort me_

_The way you make me feel_

_Waking up to you never felt so real_

_I hate living without you_

_Dead wrong to ever doubt you_

_But my demons lay in waiting_

_Tempting me away_

_Oh how I adore you_

_Oh how I thirst for you_

_Oh how I need you_

_Comatose_

_I'll never wake up without an overdose of you_

_I don't wanna live_

_I don't wanna breathe_

_Unless I feel you next to me_

_You take the pain I feel_

_Waking up to you never felt so real_

_I don't wanna sleep_

_I don't wanna dream_

_'Cause my dreams don't comfort me_

_The way you make me feel_

_Waking up to you never felt so real_

_Breathing life_

_Waking up_

_My eyes open up_

_Comatose_

_I'll never wake up without an overdose of you_

_Oh how I adore you_

_Waking up to you never felt so real_

_Oh how I thirst for you_

_Waking up to you never felt so real_

_Oh how I adore you, oh_

_The way you make me feel_

_Waking up to you never felt so real_

When the song ended I finally calmed down and collapsed at the foot of my bed, there was a stain on the wall where I threw the bottle and whatever the alcohol was clung to the wallpaper. There was broken glass and plastic all over the floor, torn posters and a hole in my closet door, I looked at my hands and they were all bloody and gross, with bits of wood stuck in them and that's when it happened. First one tear fell down my face and onto my hands and then more and more, I spent the rest of the night crying into my pillow, occasionally managing to call out Quinn's name.

* * *

**A/N: So yeah, that's chapter one. Later chapters should be longer and less taken up by lyrics, this is just sort of an introduction. Updates might be slow at first but should hopefully pick up once I get a few chapters in**


	2. The Hangover

**A/N: I know this chapter kinda feels like it doesn't have much of a story too it, but it's building up to something so bare with me.**

* * *

Chapter Two – The Hangover

The next day I felt like shit, I don't just mean about Quinn, my head was pounding and if I moved too much I felt like I was gunna puke. It was the worst hangover I had ever had, well, at least it was then. I don't even know why I went to school; I guess I thought doing something might take my mind off Quinn. It didn't.

The first lesson I had was English, I totally forgot for the first few minutes but once the lesson started and I looked up I found myself looking at an empty seat. I'm not sure whether it was the hangover or the realisation that I was supposed to be looking at the back of Quinn's head but I got real dizzy, real fast.

"Finn, are you ok?" it was my English teacher, "You don't look very well."

"I don't feel too good, can I go to the nurse?" she nodded and I made for the door, you should have seen the look Santana gave me, it was like she knew exactly what I was up to. I didn't go to the nurse of course, I'm not that dumb; she would have told my parents I was hung over. I half ran to my truck and just sat there with the seat all the way back listening to whatever music was on the radio.

I stayed there until lunch, I'm pretty sure I even fell asleep but eventually Kurt found me.

"Finn, are you ok?" he said, he looked really worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just wasn't feeling too hot."

He kept asking questions but he gave up eventually and we went to lunch. Rachel was there, obviously, and what really pissed me off is that she acted like there was nothing wrong; I had two classes with her that morning and I hadn't been there, I thought she would have at least said something.

I tried to eat while everyone else was talking and it actually kinda helped with the hangover a bit, I was so distracted by trying to keep my food down that I didn't even notice Rachel talking to me.

"Hello? Finn, are you even alive?"

"What? Yeah, sorry I just zoned out…" I felt kinda guilty, I mean I wasn't lying but I dunno, it felt like I was. "What were you saying?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to go to breadstix tonight, to take our mind off everything, we could have a nice romantic dinner and figure out when we'll reschedule our upcoming nuptials." This is when I really started to get angry, one of our friends was in the hospital and all Rachel gave a crap about was the wedding, she was even smiling.

"Yeah sure, breadstix sounds good," I told her, fighting back the anger, I figured since I was hung-over maybe I was just over reacting so I tried to play it breezy, "I'll meet you there about 7?"

* * *

I shut my brain off after that, I knew if I kept getting angrier I would probably explode and end up hurting someone, probably myself by kicking over a chair or something.

Before I knew it I was home alone getting ready for dinner, I still felt like shit, the hangover had passed mostly but my nerves… fuck, the hangover was done and I still felt like I was gunna be sick. Eventually I gave in and decided I need a bit of Dutch courage, I know it was a bad idea, hell I knew it was a bad idea then too but I just couldn't face dinner with Rachel without it, I didn't drink nearly as much as the night before and what I had wasn't as strong but it was enough to make me a little wobbly.

I was late getting ready; it was already 7 by the time I was leaving the house. This is when I made my first really bad mistake; I drove… I know, I still hate myself for it, Quinn was in a coma for a car accident and I was drunk driving. Hell I'm amazed I didn't get pulled over and arrested. You know that kind of drunk where you know you shouldn't be driving but since you know that you're even more careful than when you're sober? I _wasn't_ that kind of drunk. Lucky for me, the roads were pretty empty and I was at breadstix before I knew it.

"Hey, Finn!" she called when I got out of the truck.

"Hey," I said, I was pretty impressed I wasn't slurring my words. "Sorry I'm late, lost track of time."

Dinner was a disaster; I honestly think Rachel would have been less pissed at me if I fucked Santana again.

"So what do you think?" she asked me not long after we got our food.

"What? What about?"

"Finn! You haven't been listening to me all night; that's like the fifth time… I was telling you my plans for nationals about what song we should sing together, I know you like to sing classic rock and with it being our final year it might be a nice idea to sing one, maybe even reprise don't stop believing. But I was also thinking that we-"

"Oh, who fucking cares?" that was a mistake, she looked like she was about to cry, I was pretty loud too; a few heads even turned our way. I knew I should apologise but it was like the day before; something snapped inside me and I was just so damn angry. "I don't give a shit about nationals! Neither should you, the only fucking thing that should be on our mind right now is whether or not Quinn will be up on that stage with us! What the hell is wrong with you Rachel? Are you so self absorbed that you don't even care if she dies? Hell, it would be a good thing! More spotlight for you!" This is when she realised how drunk I was, I had started slurring and I stood up to leave but my legs gave and I fell onto some strangers table.

"Finn! You're drunk!"

"No shit, Sherlock!" that brought on the tears but by then I was done caring, "I'm going outside; I need some air"

I was out there for 10 minutes before she came to look for me, by that point I had thrown up twice; I was a mess.

"I paid for dinner, I'll drive you home,"

"Rachel-"

"Don't bother!" she was on the verge of crying again but she held pretty strong. The drive home was awkward to say the least, the thing is I knew I should be guilty but I just kept getting angrier and angrier, she had been drunk before. She slobbered all over my shoulder after trying to fuck Puck behind my back; all I had done was say a few mean things. Hell, she was being kind of a bitch in the first place, I didn't even say bye to her when we got to mine, I don't think I even closed the car door, I went straight to my room and collapsed onto my bedroom floor again.

That's when I found that cigarette from the day before, as angry as I was at Rachel I had one thing to thank her for, you see she got me these candles for my room and with them was a big box of matches.

Less than 30 seconds after that first puff of smoke, I started to calm down, I mean I still felt miserable about Quinn and everything, but I didn't want to punch something anymore.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning my head was pounding but it wasn't as bad as the day before so I thought I'd give school another go, I had to leave early to go get my truck from breadstix which already put me in a bad mood.

I saw Rachel as soon as I got to school but I got the feeling neither of us wanted to talk yet so I just headed straight for first period. I never made it though; it was another class I usually had with Quinn, I knew I couldn't handle it so I just went outside. Things got pretty weird then, I was just walking around outside and I heard someone crying, honestly I felt like just leaving them to it but I had this weird feeling that I recognised the voice.

"Santana?" I asked her when I found where she was hiding; she dried her eyes pretty quick and glared at me. "Santana were you crying?"

"Do I look like I was crying?" the answer was yes, but I'd dealt with angry Santana before so I thought I should probably watch my step. "Get the fuck out of here dough boy! What the hell business is it of yours even if I was crying?"

It went on like that, she drifted into Spanish and I don't think she even realised it. It lasted for 5 minutes and by the end she was crying again, then I did something that a lot of people would call me suicidal for and on any day before the accident, they would have been right. I hugged her, first I dried her tears and then I hugged her. She resisted at first but eventually hugged me back. It's weird, I always thought the only people Santana cared about were herself and Brittany but when I look back on hers and Quinn's friendship… I should have known.

"You look better today," she told me eventually, "you still look like crap but I guess you didn't drink as much last night."

"How-"

"You're not too good at hiding it, it takes practise, why do you think I don't look like I have a hangover?" I had missed the sly smile she gave me then, it was forced but it still felt like I hadn't seen it in way too long. "Thanks for the hug, sorry about all the horrible things I said."

"It's ok, I didn't understand most of them, you drifted into Spanish. I just thought you maybe needed to vent, I know I did, I trashed my room so I thought I should let you get it out before you break something."

"Thanks…" We talked a bit after that, about Quinn mostly. We barely said anything really, we just sat in silence occasionally talking about what we thought might happen to her. But after about 5 minutes of saying nothing, something crossed my mind.

"San? Where do you get your drink from?"

"I've got a fake ID, why?"

"Well, I've just been stealing from my mom and Burt but I think they're gunna realise eventually. Do you think you could get me some?"

"How much?"

"A lot…"

"I guess so, as long as you pay for it,"

"Yeah sure, I have some money saved up, I was gunna use it to surprise Rachel with a weekend trip or something after the wedding but…" she got what I was hinting at and gave me a sympathetic look, sympathetic for Santana anyway.

"Bring $100 to the park near Brittany's at about 9 tonight, I'll bring your drink."

"Cool, and do you think you could maybe get me a few packs of cigarettes." You should have seen her face; she really didn't expect that one.

"Since when do you smoke?"

"Since last night when I realised smoking calmed me down easier than breaking everything I own."

She laughed and agreed to buy me some. We talked for a bit and then went our separate ways when she went off to find Brittany. The rest of school was pretty uneventful, Kurt was still eying me like he knew something was up but apart from that, things almost felt kind of normal.

* * *

I met Santana at the park she told me about with my $100, it bought me a lot more alcohol than I expected, turns out she knew a shop that sold it pretty cheap if she showed a bit of cleavage and flirted with the guy at the till. And I thought dating Brittany had changed her. She got me a load of cheap stuff too; she figured I wouldn't care how it tasted as long as it got me drunk quickly.

"Take it slow, Finn, I usually wouldn't let on that I care but if tomorrow morning someone finds you in a pool of your own puke and in desperate need of a hospital, or worse… well I just have enough to deal with, so be careful, ok?" I knew deep down there was still probably some hate left for me after I outed her but I really felt forgiven when she told me that she cared. I promised to be careful and we said goodbye.

I had to sneak into the house, I had two bags full of liquor and cigarettes, Burt and my mom are pretty cool but they'd kill me if they caught me. I got drunk pretty fast, god bless Santana that stuff was strong. It didn't take me long before I passed out but before I did I started crying again, just like the first night. It's blurry but all I remember is whispering "Quinn" over and over again.

* * *

The next morning was Saturday. I probably would have slept all day but Rachel took it upon herself to come wake me up.

"Well you weren't answering the phone and you have barely spoken to me since breadstix, I've been worried about you Finn!" That kinda pissed me off, she was worried about _me_ when her so-called friend was in a coma, I kept silent this time though. "And what have you done to your room?"

"Just blowing off steam," I said, I could feel myself smirking but I could tell she wasn't amused.

"What did you do?" she asked me, holding up a picture of us. I forget I had it if I'm honest; I'm amazed she even noticed. The frame was broken and the glass had shattered and there was a tear right down the middle, right between the two of us.

"I was in a bad mood, I just kinda, trashed my room…" that's when she noticed the empty bottles.

"We're you drunk again?"

"Actually, that was the first night I got drunk, it was when I got home after we'd been the hospital, technically our date at breadstix was me being drunk _again._"

"Finn, what's wrong with you?" she was starting to get pissed at me again and then she found my stash of drinks in the corner. She didn't even say anything she just grabbed an armful of bottles and took them through to the bathroom.

She started pouring them down the sink and I panicked, I know I should have taken that as an early warning sign but all I cared about was saving as much alcohol as possible. I actually wrestled it from her, what the hell was wrong me? I'm like, well over a foot taller than her and a hell of a lot stronger; I could have really hurt her.

"Rachel, just get the hell out of here and leave me alone!" I shouted at her when I finally got all my drinks back. She got pretty upset and stormed out crying.

The worst part is I didn't just not feel guilty, I actually felt kind of pleased with myself; I was just so upset and angry about everything lately, it kinda felt good to bring someone down to my level. I went back to my room and texted Santana.

_ - Hey Santana, can you get me more drink? Finn_

_ - Already? Who the fuck are you, Charlie sheen? San_

_ - Rachel got pissed at me and poured some of it down the drain, I just need a few bottles to replace it. Finn_

_ - Bring $20 to school Monday. San_

I spent the rest of the weekend alone in my room smoking and getting drunk, I didn't talk to anyone, not even my mom or Kurt or Burt. They kept coming up to check on me but I think they could tell I was upset about Quinn, it was more than that obviously but I don't blame them for not realising. They couldn't have known how fast I was going off the deep end.

* * *

**A/N: So yeah, that's Chapter 2. I was happier with the first chapter because this one sort of feels like not a lot really happens, but I didn't want to rush the story so... Anyway, I'm away for a couple of days next week but I've decided I'm definitely going to get at least 1 chapter a week so Chapter 3 will definitely be up by next sunday (22nd of april) if not before then.**


	3. Dinner Dates

**A/N: I wanted to get this Chapter up sooner but I was in London for a while. (Went to the Harry Potter studio tour, IT WAS AWESOME) Anyway once I got back I had a few things I needed to do and I eventually lost my inspiration to write for a couple days. Next chapter will hopefully be up quicker.**

* * *

Chapter Three – Dinner Dates

When I went to school on Monday I actually felt kinda good, well less hung-over at least. I was tired and I still had a headache but considering I'd been getting drunk all weekend, I was doing ok. I guess I was building up a tolerance or something. I was smoking more though; I kept going for a bathroom break in lessons because I was getting jittery without the nicotine, I must have an addictive personality.

I found Santana at lunch and she had a nice amount of alcohol for me, I paid her then stuffed it in my locker and we went outside to eat.

"Hey, gormless, I've got a present for you," Santana told me once we'd sat down. She pulled out a little card and handed it to me.

"A fake I.D?" she nodded. "Wait, how the hell did you get my picture?"

"I just got it out of the year book, you still have a little baby face but I don't think anyone expects a high school kid to be 8 foot tall so it looks believable." Brittany walked over and sat beside her so Santana shuffled around so she was lying with her head in Brittany's lap and her legs crossed over mine. "Consider it a late birthday present, we weren't exactly on the best of terms remember, what with the whole 'hey Santana, tell everyone you're a lesbian' thing, but I'm already bored of you not being able to buy your own drinks so lets call it water under the bridge."

"Thanks, San." We sat an talked for a while after that, it was kind of weird, after everything that's happened over the past few years it took Brittany and Santana for me to actually feel like I could have fun again. It didn't hurt that they were much nicer than they used to be too.

"Finn, can I talk to you alone?" It was Kurt, he looked half pissed at me and half worried about me. I was actually tempted to say no but he's my brother; I just sort of felt like I owed him. "Rachel is really upset, Finn."

"I should have known this would be about her."

"She told me about you getting drunk and all of the horrible things you said to her. You should try and make it up to her."

"I've got nothing to apologise for."

"The way she tells it you do."

"When is the way Rachel tells it ever even the truth? She'll twist any story so that she always comes across as the victim," That shut Kurt up, I guess he could tell how quickly and how easily I was losing my patience with her.

"Listen, you two are supposed to be in love, you're supposed to be engaged. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, you need to fix it."

"I guess."

"How about you go out for dinner, say eight o'clock? And this time you show up sober and have a proper date with your fiancé. I'll arrange everything with Rachel, you don't even have to talk to each other until tonight if you don't want to."

"Fine, I guess one date couldn't hurt." He kept talking for a while but I shut my brain off until he was gone. Looking back on it I feel guilty, but at that moment I didn't give a crap what Rachel or Kurt thought.

"Hey, Finn, me and Santana have been thinking," Brittany started when I went back to sit with them. "We we're gunna go and see Quinn tonight, do you want to come?" I guess they could see how nervous I was but they were pretty encouraging so I agreed.

"I'm supposed to go to dinner with Rachel at eight though, so I can't stay too long."

"We're going to a movie at half seven anyway, we just want to see how she's doing."

* * *

I was wound pretty tight all day, I think I started to need a drink and I had less opportunities for a cigarette. Combine that with being permanently pissed off with Rachel and nervous as hell about seeing Quinn and it gave me a really short fuse.

I exploded at some freshman and all he did was walk in front of me, I tried to control myself after that but I still had to resist punching a few people.

* * *

I met up with Santana and Brittany outside the hospital. I was pretty quiet, I don't know why I was so nervous, I'd already been to visit Quinn, she couldn't be worse. It took ages for us to able to go see her, the nurse at the front desk kept asking the girls a load of questions, she asked me some too but gave up when she realised I wasn't listening.

By the time we were standing in front of the door to Quinn's room, I could feel my pulse in my ears, I was even starting to hyperventilate and my legs felt like they were about to give way. Then it was gone, Santana opened the door and I saw Quinn's face again. The bandages were gone and her bruises were fading, there were less things sticking out of her, she looked like herself again. Like sleeping beauty just waiting for the curse to be lifted. Within seconds my nerves disappeared, all the anger and fear at things I hadn't even realised I was angry or scared about just didn't matter anymore.

I sat down next to her, took her hand and for the first time since before we went on stage at regionals I felt calm. I missed her and I felt awful that she was hurt but I wasn't angry or scared, I felt like things were going to be okay. I felt good.

We sat in silence for the first half an hour until Brittany spoke up. "Things have changed so much since we joined glee club."

"I wish I never joined," Santana told them. "Don't get me wrong, I love performing when Berry gets out of the way and I have a chance to… But I can't help but think if it weren't for glee club life would be so much easier."

"But we helped you come out after all that drama," Brittany argued.

"If it wasn't for glee club, specifically me, then she wouldn't have needed the help." I explained.

"That's exactly my point, glee club helps us through the drama but it's also the thing that causes it all. Do you really think after all those times me and you hooked up I wouldn't have come to the realisation of who I was without glee club?" Santana took Brittany's hand, "Like I could have went through life without falling in love with you no matter what clubs we were a part of."

"Me and Puck would have never fallen out if it wasn't for glee," I said to myself more than them.

"I don't think the glee club made him sleep with Quinn."

"No, but if it wasn't for Rachel and me getting close, do you really think Quinn would have even looked at him twice? She let him get her drunk because she felt insecure, she felt insecure because of Rachel and me. If I never joined glee maybe it would have been mine and her wedding we were all planning… Maybe nobody would be in the hospital."

"Finn, don't think like that… you can't take the blame for Quinn's accident. When you joined glee, you were doing it because you liked to sing, if you had known Quinn would end up in hospital you would have never joined." Brittany told me. I don't know what made me do it but I burst out laughing.

"You think that's why I joined glee club? I'm not that good a singer; I don't kid myself. I had almost forgotten about this but the reason I joined glee club was because Mr Schuester found cannabis in my locker, he told me I had a football scholarship then said if I did my time in detention it would go on my permanent record and I'd have no future. Then he told me if I joined glee club instead he would forget about it and I would still have some hope. I never even had cannabis in my locker, come to think of it… he might have framed me to get me in Glee club."

The look on the girls' faces was priceless, even Santana looked like she thought that was evil and she's always been a fan of manipulation to get her way. The thing that surprised me the most was what happened to my hand, it was just for a fraction of a second, and honestly I think I imagined it but I felt a squeeze; like Quinn was trying to tell me something. Like she was trying to tell me I'd worked out the truth or that she felt awful about what happened and was apologizing for being angry at me for joining or was forgiving me for joining or something like that. I squeezed back, I don't care if she could feel it or not.

We talked for a while longer about glee club until Santana spoke up saying it was time to leave. I told them I wanted to stay longer and they reminded me not to be too late leaving and then went to see their movie.

I kept checking the time, putting off leaving as much as I could. I kept telling myself I had more time, sitting with Quinn just seemed too important for me to leave early. I kept putting it off and putting it off until I realised I was already half an hour late for my date. I should have called Rachel or something, hell I should have just left on time but I didn't, I just sat there holding Quinn's hand, sitting in silence all night.

* * *

Rachel found me in school the next day. She was pretty pissed off but I guess that's fair. The thing is she didn't even say hi or anything she just started screaming at me, didn't even give me time to answer her questions before she started shouting again. Eventually she calmed down but I was almost as pissed off as she was by then.

"Just tell me why you didn't even show up, do you even care about what happens to us anymore?" she asked me.

"Honestly, Rachel, I had better things to do last night than have dinner with you!" I know, harsh… I didn't really care; it was true.

"Oh what, you were at home getting drunk again? That's more important than me is it?"

"Actually I was at the hospital with Santana and Brittany, y'know, visiting Quinn. In fact visiting her was the first time I felt like I _didn't _need a drink since before our failed wedding attempt. So no, I wasn't getting drunk."

She didn't even say anything then; she just turned around and walked away. I couldn't handle school after that, I either needed a drink or I needed Quinn. I decided Quinn was probably a better option. I was so pissed off that when I ran into Mr Schue I actually shoved him out of my way.

"Hey, Finn, where do you think you're going."

"To see Quinn."

"Finn, you have missed half of school since her accident, you can't just walk out like this."

"I just need to calm down."

"Finn, you need to stay in school, if you have pent up emotions you need to get out why don't you sing about them? We will need a number for nationals so you could try and figure that out. You're graduating this year; you need to make sure you stay on top of your work. I just want what's best for you, Finn."

"No you don't!" I don't know where all the anger came from, maybe I was just angry with Rachel and taking it out on him, or maybe I just remembered about when he blackmailed me but I couldn't hold it in anymore. "You have never wanted what's best for me or for any of the glee club! All you ever cared about was what's best for you! Hell, you even had the glee club perform songs just so you could try and break up miss Pillsbury and her husband, yeah I noticed! And don't think I forgot about when you forced me to join the club by planting pot in my locker! Yeah, I figured it out!"

"Finn-"

"Don't! You only care about the kids who will win you competitions! Puck and Santana miss more classes than I do! Santana is just as broken up about Quinn as me but you obviously don't notice her. And speaking of Quinn, have you even thought about her since the accident? We talked more than people thought after me and her broke up, I know what you said to her at the start of the year!

"What-"

"How dare you shout at her like that? She needed help! I should have been there for her and I wasn't but at least I didn't just criticise her! Where was all the shouting at Rachel when you thought she was being selfish? Oh right, there wasn't any! You just gave her a nice little talking to and let her get away with anything! You're an awful teacher who always picks his favourites and doesn't care about any of his students unless they can help him win a competition or a woman!"

I just stormed out; I didn't even hear his response.

* * *

I'd calmed down slightly by the time I got to the hospital. I wasn't nervous this time but there was still a lot of anger to get out by the time I sat down next to Quinn.

"Hey beautiful," I don't know where it came from, I felt guilty because of Rachel but it also felt kinda right, so I went with it. "It's me, Finn. I want to ask how you are, but you can't really tell me. How about I just hold you hand, maybe if you have something really important to say you can just squeeze real hard, otherwise I can guess what you will say anyway."

I put my hand in hers and began telling her about my day. "So then after math class, Rachel stormed up to me. You might have heard this yesterday but I was supposed to go to dinner with her but I wanted to stay here instead. I know, I'm sorry, you never wanted to be that girl that comes between another couple but I couldn't just leave you by yourself.

"She started accusing me of being drunk again. Oh, erm yeah… again. See well, don't get mad but I've been drinking a lot lately. I've just been really upset and angry over so many little things and it makes me feel better. I'll try and cut down though, for you. I made things worse with Rachel then, I told her about coming here with Britt and San and how being here was the first time I didn't feel like I needed a drink since your accident. She just walked away.

"Then Mr Schue tried to stop me coming here. I exploded at him. He started trying to get me to sing about things and said he wants what's best for me and I just start berating him, calling him up for picking favourites and letting Rachel get away with murder. Then I started shouting at him for what he said to you at the start of the year." I was sure I felt her squeeze my hand again, I could almost here her response in my head, "I know, Quinn, of course you didn't need me to do that and I know I'm probably going to be in trouble but I should have stood up for you a long time ago.

"I'm going to stop talking now though, you must be getting sick of my voice, but I'm going to stay here all day, so if you need anything, just ask." I knew she couldn't ask; I wasn't even sure she could hear me but it didn't matter. I brushed her hair back off her face to kiss her forehead and sat down with her. Staring at her like that is when I realised it.

I realised that I'd been stupid, more so than usual. I realised I'd been blind and cruel and that whatever I felt for Rachel, tether or not it wasn't love. I knew what love felt like and love felt like Quinn Fabray. I loved her; I'd always loved her. I loved her when I found out she was pregnant, I loved her when I found out it wasn't my baby, I loved her when we were in the hospital waiting room and she was giving birth, I loved her when she sang with Sam, I loved her when I kept stealing glances at her when I was with Rachel, I loved her when she kissed me, I loved her when I kissed her back, I loved her when she came down stairs on our prom night, I even loved her when I broke up with her and I loved her when she cut her hair and dyed it pink and went crazy over Beth. I loved Quinn Fabray and nothing could change that.


	4. Coming Back Down

**A/N: There, finally updating. I'm sorry for the massive delays, I'm not actually that happy with this chapter but since I'm never totally happy with my chapters and it's been such a long time since I updated I decided to settle with it (I like what happens in it, just something about it doesn't feel right to me but maybe i'm just being critical of myself) **

**For the song, when its in bold and italics it's Puck singing/rapping, when It's just in italics it's Finn. If you want to know what song it is, It's called Coming Back Down by Hollywood Undead.**

* * *

Chapter 4 – Coming Back Down

"Mr Hudson, visiting hours are over now." I felt my grip on Quinn's hand tighten; I didn't want to go. I'd been here every single day for a week. "Five more minutes, Finn."

"Thanks, Christine." I was getting on first name terms with some of the nurses and doctors. The five minutes passed way too quickly and by the time I got back home I was desperate to get back to her already. When I first started going to see Quinn everyday I started feeling better, I could relax and just wait for her to wake up; the problem was she wasn't waking up. The doctors said she should come around in less than a week but it had been over a fortnight by then. That's how the drinking caught up with me; the first few days I didn't touch a drop but the longer things went on the more I needed to relax until Quinn just wasn't enough anymore. If she was awake I probably could have went the rest of my life without drinking once but I should have known it wouldn't work out how I planned.

It was on that night after I had been drowning myself in cheep vodka that Rachel finally decided to speak to me again.

_- Finn, can you come to my house so we can talk? Rachel xox I love you_

I was going to ignore the text at first but drinking alone in my room was getting pretty boring. I walked to her house; I think I'd learned my lesson about drunk driving. I shut my brain off for the walk, which was pretty easy with how drunk I was.

"Hello, Finn" Rachel said when I knocked on the door. "Come in."

She took me to her room and sat me down on the bed, she just sat there for almost five minutes, she seemed like she was figuring out what to say but knowing Rachel she was probably just trying to make things more dramatic.

"We need to talk about how things have been recently, you've turned into a drunk and you never have time for me. I don't get what's happened to you, our friend got hurt and it makes sense that you're worried but you have just become this totally different person. I've seen you with Brittany and Santana, you still talk to Kurt, I feel like I'm the only person you have shut out of your life.

"We need to fix us, Finn, we're supposed to get married but lately I feel like you care more about Quinn than me."

"That's because I do," I think it was shock that stopped her answering right away, then I think she thought I was trying to be funny. I just said it so casually, like it was just some obvious fact that everyone should already know, like 'the sky is blue' or 'apples grow on trees'.

"You… you do?"

"Yeah, of course I care about her more than you, I'm in love with her." Looking back on it I was a complete asshole that day. I don't know what made me say it, especially like that, I want to say it was the alcohol but that would be giving myself way too much credit. I wasn't drunk when I dumped Quinn, or when I went on my 'faggy' rampage with Kurt, or when I outed Santana or when I called Brittany and idiot; I try to be a good guy but sometimes… Sometimes I'm a prick. "I've been there everyday for over a week"

"You're in love with Quinn?" she didn't seem to believe me, I don't get why though it wasn't the first time I've switched between the two. "Since when?"

"I think somewhere between the end of freshman year and when she joined glee club."

"You mean you think you've been in love with her all that time?"

"Well yeah, I just forgot it once or twice."

"But she cheated on you!"

"So did you!" I was starting to get angry then, but she calmed down quickly which cooled me down too.

"Do you still love me, Finn?"

"I don't know, I haven't really thought about it…"

"All this time you've been spending with Quinn, deciding you're in love with her and you care about her more than me and you didn't even think about me once?" she stood up and looked out the window. "I think you should leave…"

I did as she asked without her looking my way once. When I walked out the front door I glanced up to her bedroom window just in time to see her burst into tears.

Yeah, I try to be good, but sometimes I'm a real bastard.

* * *

I took the long way home, the really really really long way. I kinda walked in the opposite direction to my house when I left Rachel's. After about half an hour I ended up bumping into Brittany and Santana. What are the chances, right?

"Hey Finn." Brittany said when she saw me, "Woah, how much have you had to drink?"

"A bit" I guess it must have been pretty obvious.

"Looks like more than that. Maybe you should cut back, you're actually starting to look like Charlie sheen." It still felt weird to hear Santana sounding concerned about me.

"Ok… I'll cut back."

"Really?"

"When she wakes up." That silenced everybody for a few minutes until Brittany spoke up.

"You should start coming back to glee club rehearsals, me and San have missed you."

"You have?" I asked, giving a sideways smirk at Santana. She glared at me first but then it broke and she started to smirk too, I was really starting to love her friendship. "Ok, I'll go… I think I even have a song idea."

"Good, now go home and sleep of the drink, ok?" They both gave me a kiss goodbye; they must have really felt bad for me to do that. On the walk home I decided to text Puck.

_- Hey Puck, I'm coming back to glee club. I need your help with a number since I'm not that great at rapping, it's a song I think you might know._

* * *

The next day Kurt asked if I wanted to drive into school with him, I probably would have said no but I was still kinda drunk from the day before, and I was planning to drink more in school.

"Rachel phoned me last night." He said after he pulled out of the driveway, I guess I should have seen it coming but I decided to play dumb.

"Doesn't Rachel phone you most nights?"

"Don't play dumb Finn, what's going on with you? You get drunk all the time, don't deny it, and now you're breaking up with Rachel and deciding you don't love her?"

"That's a damn lie!" I knew Rachel sometimes twisted the truth but telling Kurt that was just too much; I exploded. "First of all, I do not get drunk all of the time, I didn't even touch a drop for those first few days of going to see Quinn in the hospital! Secondly, I did not break up with her! That's obviously some bullshit she invented to make you feel sorry for her, she threw me out of her house! And finally I never said I didn't love her, I just said I hadn't thought about it…"

"But-"

"Don't!" I could tell I wasn't being fair on Kurt but my anger management is as bad as Santana's or Coach Sylvester's when I'm drunk. "I told her I love Quinn, that's all! Then she told me to leave so I did, anything else she told you is an outright lie."

We drove the rest of the way in silence.

* * *

By the time I got to rehearsals, I was already pretty drunk. I got welcomed back by a few people but most people just acted like normal. I started to fall asleep kinda quick, I know it was rude to fall asleep while Sam was singing but it was a slow song, I couldn't help it.

"Finn… Finn!" I don't think it had been more than a few minutes since I drifted off but everybody was looking at me funny.

"Were you just asleep?" Mercedes asked me.

"Finn doesn't sleep, he waits…" I heard Santana say from behind me. I tried not to laugh since everyone else looked concerned but I couldn't help letting out a little snigger.

"I'm fine… Is it my turn to sing?" Nobody said anything so I took that as my queue to get up. "Puck, you want to give me a hand here?"

"We haven't actually practiced this together since Finn only asked for my help last night," Puck told everyone, "But I know the song pretty well so it should be fine."

"It's kind of a song about someone being dead, but I want to think of it as someone who is near death and they're gunna come back from it. So obviously this song is for Quinn…" There were a few uneasy and solemn glances from around the room, I kinda got the impression they hadn't been thinking about her all that much. "So, yeah… Here goes."

"_I just can't escape_

_It's like you're here with me now_

_But the words you say_

_They always seem to fade out_

_Since you been away_

_I'm just a face in the crowd_

_Someday, Someday_

_I know you're coming back down"_

"_**Down in the dirt,**_

_**With your blood on my hands.**_

_**I blacked out,**_

_**But now I do understand,**_

_**That you were too good,**_

_**For this world so you left it.**_

_**Everything turned red,**_

_**And then you made an exit.**_

_**I don't even know,**_

_**If it was your time.**_

_**But like all good things,**_

_**That pass you by,**_

_**Just like a lost soul,**_

_**In the time of need.**_

_**It made me grow up fast,**_

_**And put some blood on my knees**_**."**

_"And you don't even know_

_It's beyond you._

_Thinking you could never die,_

_Like you're bulletproof._

_So I guess you had to leave,_

_You were born with wings._

_But you were never happy,_

_'Til the angels sing."_

"_**I just can't escape**_

_**It's like you're here with me now**_

_**But the words you say**_

_**They always seem to fade out**_

_**Since you been away**_

_**I'm just a face in the crowd**_

_**Someday, Someday**_

_**I know you're coming back down**_

_**Someday, Someday**_

_**I know you're coming back down**__"_

"_I'm ashes to ashes,_

_I'm dust to dust._

_And when a man turns to ashes,_

_Forget about love._

_Like the feeling inside you,_

_With the bottle beside you._

_You both end up empty_

_Like an angel just died too._

_I look to the heavens,_

_To the sky,_

_And the rest._

_I looked inside myself,_

_I felt my heart in my chest._

_Some things are born blue,_

_There's nothing to say._

_Some hearts can stay true,_

_When falling away."_

_**"Come lay down beside me,**_

_**What could one life mean?**_

_**It's only what I've seen,**_

_**It's only just one dream.**_

_**Tell my baby I love her,**_

_**And I wish I could hold her.**_

_**It's hard to say goodbye,**_

_**When you know that it's over.**__"_

"_I just can't escape_

_It's like you're here with me now_

_But the words you say_

_They always seem to fade out_

_Since you been away_

_I'm just a face in the crowd_

_Someday, someday_

_I know you're coming back down_

_Someday, someday_

_I know you're coming back down_

_One day, one day_

_I know you're coming back down"_

"_**I know you're coming back**_

_**Know you're coming back**_

_**I know you're coming back down**__"_

"_I know you're coming back_

_Know you're coming back_

_I know you're coming back down __**(down)**__"_

"_I know you're coming back_

_Know you're coming back_

_I know you're coming back down"_

"_**I know you're coming back**_

_**Know you're coming back**_

_**I know you're coming back down**_

_**I know you're coming back down**__"_

"_I just can't escape_

_It's like you're here with me now_

_But the words you say_

_They always seem to fade out_

_Since you been away_

_I'm just a face in the crowd_

_Someday, someday_

_I know you're coming back down_

_Someday, someday_

_I know you're coming back down_

_One day, one day_

_I know you're coming back down…"_

The song was good; I mean we sounded great, while we were still singing everyone was loving it. But after we stopped, everyone was looking at us weird. No, not us, just me. I turned to my left and Puck was looking at me the same; they all looked worried. I looked for Brittany and Santana and even they were looking at me like that, I didn't get why. Then I started to think again, I had let my mind shut down while we sang; I was just totally in the moment. Now that we had stopped singing though, my senses started to come back to me, the hot dampness on my face; I was crying. I looked down and I saw myself shaking, I was struggling to breathe.

"FUCK!" I don't know where it came from but I just started shouting, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I screamed so loud my throat burned. My legs gave way and I heard chairs shifting, people were moving towards me but I pushed them away getting back on my feet again. I turned and ran towards the door, kicking a chair out of my way as I ran.

There were people in the halls but they were just a blur as I bolted to the parking lot. When I got there I looked around for my truck until I remembered Kurt drove me to school.

"God damnit!" I looked around and found Kurt's car a few feet away, I started banging on the door, desperate to get in; it was pretty useless obviously. I collapsed to the ground again my crying getting worse and worse.

"Finn!" I looked around trying to find the source of the voice. My eyes landed on Santana with Brittany on her heels, Kurt and Rachel were about 10 feet behind them. I got to my feet, they started to relax, obviously thinking I was going to go towards them but I turned on the spot and ran.

I ran all the way home, in case you're wondering that's a hell of a long way. I collapsed onto my bedroom floor; I barely even had the energy to sit. That first sip of whiskey I had right there, it was the single greatest thing I had ever tasted. I just kept drinking more and more until eventually I passed out on the foor.

* * *

**A/N: I think the chapter ends too suddenly but I couldn't think of another way to end it that didn't feel like I was dragging it out. Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me after this massive gap, I promise on pain of death that the next update will come much sooner than this one did. I love you all x**


	5. Sorry

**A/N: Ok, I owe you guys an explanation. I suck, basically… I have had no motivation to write what so ever, been going through some stuff (that I don't feel like talking about on here) and writing has been the furthest thing from my mind. My entire life has pretty much been on hold for a while now.**

**I want to make it clear that this story is not abandoned; I promise that I will continue writing but the updates will probably be very very slow. **

**I know last chapter I promised to update quicker on pain of death and I failed at that, so feel free to kill me.**

**I have basically been about halfway done with the next chapter for a month and I cant even just split it into a small chapter cause the half I have done is the ending. **

**I will update eventually, just bare with me. I'm sorry if I let anyone down.**


End file.
